I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
