she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
