Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
