at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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