Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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