Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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