Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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