I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
