update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
