he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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