just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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