Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
