Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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