at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
