Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
