Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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