So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
