Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
