I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
