Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
