Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
