so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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