dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
