walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
