I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
