That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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