I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
