feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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