I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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