Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
