I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
