Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
