I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
