Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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