OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
