I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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