Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
third nipple confirmed
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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