I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Randomize
