I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
