I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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