New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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