my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
