My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
