five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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