I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
