i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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