it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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