Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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