I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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