awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
