Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
